IMPATNT

That was the vanity plate my Aunt Terry had on her kickass, cream-colored, convertible Mercedes Benz during the 80s. I always understood it, because I was, too. Patience has never been my strong suit. I’m an Aries, what can I say? I do know I never felt as calm, cool, and collected as I did when riding in that car (except for when I would ride in TerryTerry’s white, convertible Chrysler Lebaron, because that one talked! ‘Door is ajar.’ I mean….) My dad had a sweet little Toyota truck that Aunt Terry and her ‘BFF’ TerryTerry often needed to borrow, and they would swap the LeBaron for it in return. Getting dropped off at school in that gorgeous mobile was exhilarating. But the Mercedes was better. My ride bears a similar plate today, much inspired by my aunt, who was one of my favorite people in the whole wide world.

Word on the street was, she drove a hand-me-down Jaguar that she bought for $500, which she then insured for the full value of the car, had it been in top condition. Apparently, insurance rules and regulations were far laxer in the 70s. Subsequently, the car was stolen and parts of it were found littered throughout Southern California and Mexico. She filed a claim, received its full value, which she then used to buy the Benz. Legend behavior.

I always thought my aunt lived with her best friend, and sometimes, she made a new one, and they moved in, replacing the previous BFF. I never questioned it because I thought, “WOW! That’s so cool! I want to do that when I’m older, too!” I also always thought the most of her best friends because they were amazing. So smart, so nice, so chic and so effortlessly glamorous. She also had the most wonderful set of male friends who would join us at our gatherings, and who tended to dote on me (to my absolute glee). One time, when I was around nine-years-old, and my aunt was living in Seal Beach in the most EPIC condo (that had an in-ground hot tub on the patio…this place was amazing, AND was on a street named Electric Avenue! We gonna rock down to, for SURE!), my family and I were there and playing the OG version of Trivial Pursuit. I have always been a trivia nerd and tell my kids all the time that while I may not remember what I had for breakfast, I can tell you who sang Tarzan Boy and when. I have also always been an avid reader, and can’t get enough of a good (or bad) book.

We had teams, and on one side were my parents, brother, and TerryTerry, and on the other, was me, my aunt, and her two male friends. I was little, but boy did I want to impress them! They were just so fun and I wanted them to like me as much as I liked them. They dressed to the nines, were hilarious, drank good scotch, and just seemed so…carefree. I rolled and landed on a pie square and was nervous because sheesh…it was for pie! The question was (and I remember it to this day), “In Citizen Kane, Charles Foster Kane’s final words were ‘Rosebud.’ Who was Rosebud?” I felt the pressure.

I was racking my brain because I knew I knew it, but I was feeling rushed and a bit panicked because I didn’t want to let my wonderful team down. Then, one of my aunt’s male friends said, “Oh, she’s got this. I have no doubt.” He then smiled and nodded at me, and I instantly felt so secure. I belted out, “HIS SLED!” and we got the pie piece. But even better was the praise I received from him, and the rest of my team. It was like I had won a gold medal in the Olympics. And I felt INCREDIBLE! These were people I wanted to be around ALL.THE.TIME.

When Aunt Terry lived in Studio City (in another killer condo that you had to take a sideways, cage-like, outdoor elevator to get to), my brother and I stayed overnight while our parents went…somewhere. I didn’t care where and I still don’t, because this place was awesome and, at the time, she was living with Sims, who was my absolute favorite ‘best friend’ of hers. She was so tan, and so happy, and so, so kind to us. Her laugh could fill Madison Square Garden, and her hugs could heal the world. Sadly, she passed away much too soon. Fuck cancer.

This was long before Seal Beach. I was probably around five or six years old, and knew I had some sway. I decided to test out my persuasive techniques (aka flat out lies) to see how far I could get. I was all jammied up, draped in a blanket on the couch and ready to settle in when I told Aunt Terry and Sims, “So…my parents INSIST I watch Starky and Hutch before I go to bed.” (This was a show I was not allowed to watch, but my parents were and I wanted to know so badly why I couldn’t. They were just being good parents. When I was old enough to watch, I didn’t even like it). They both responded with, “Then we better make sure we turn that on! We don’t want to upset your parents.”

JACKPOT! They bought it! I decided to press my luck with, “They also make me eat an ice cream sundae while I watch it.” Aunt Terry said, “Well then I better get to it!” and Sims said, “We should put extra whipped cream on it” before they exited to the kitchen to make my brother and me sundaes. I was on cloud 9 because not only had I pulled off my television scam, I also scored us the ice cream we were rarely allowed to eat at home! Let alone in sundae form!

My aunt was no dummy and knew I’d be asleep before she was back to turn the channel, but she did make us sundaes (that I fell asleep before I could eat…dammit!) She and Sims told me in the morning that my sundae had melted all the way out the door, down the elevator, and into the street. I could visually see it slowly dripping away, all the whipped cream and cherries right along with it. Tragic. I later found out they let my brother have it while I snoozed the night away. Who knows, he probably even got to watch Starsky and Hutch! She was just so cool like that; she would play along and always spoil us and our friends. That’s what aunties are for! I did (and still do) the same for my nephew and I make no apologies. He could take me for everything I have and I’d still say what a wonderful, talented, gorgeous, perfect young man he is. I love him so much.

During the Cabbage Patch Kid craze, they were so hard to come by that if you were able to get your hands on one, you couldn’t be picky. You got the one off the line that came to you during your turn. I was lucky enough to get a redhaired, green-eyed girl and was so ecstatic because she looked just like me. Her given name was Francois, but I nicknamed her Jelly Bean, or “J.B.” for short. I was obsessed with her and took her everywhere. Aunt Terry knew how much I loved her, so for Christmas that year, she had matching custom Polly Flinders nightgowns made for the two of us. I was over the moon!

When we were teens, she would take my brother and me and our friends to the beach, then take us to Grandma’s Cookies after a full day in the sun. We would always get a cookie ice cream sandwich, dipped in tiny chocolate chips, then go back to her pad, sit in the air conditioning, watch TV, and chill, all sun-kissed and relaxed with the glorious smell of ocean all over us. I’ve never been as relaxed as I was on those days.

She had two cats, one all white and one all gray. We rarely saw the gray cat, who was appropriately named Garbo, after legendary screen actress Greta Garbo, and mostly stayed under their bed (“I want to be alone”) but we always saw Mokie, who was the devil on paws. I once got trapped on her counter when my brother and I were cat sitting because Mokie decided to have a tantrum about us being there. It was terrifying (but I also kind of like him more for it now? Yes, it was dramatic and my legs were scratched to Hell and back, but I was in his space during a time he was feeling antisocial, and he was setting boundaries!) Also, though? He was just a straight up jerk cat. And I love cats!

When I was around 13, and had a bit more life under my belt (and a few community theater credits to my name), I started to realize that maybe my aunt wasn’t just living with her various best friends. The pieces were starting to come together and one day, when we were on our way over there, I had an AHA! moment. We were all in the Vanagon, getting closer to Seal Beach, when I self-assuredly asked my parents, “Is Aunt Terry a lesbian? Is TerryTerry her girlfriend? Was SIMS HER GIRLFRIEND?”

My parents both calmly responded, “Yes.”

I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it before! They were always so loving and so sweet to each other! They lived together! They were always doing things with us as a family because THEY WERE ONE, TOO! Their fabulous male friends were gay, and they allowed me in their circle! I’d never felt so lucky.

I can’t believe it took me as long as it did to figure it out, but I love that my parents never made an issue of it. They had many gay friends, and judgment was never a part of their scene. They didn’t call it out or have any sort of yuck words, and when my brother and I had questions, they simply answered them. (See how easy it can be?) It was never weird to me that two men or two women (or anyone for any reason!) could love each other the same way a man and a woman could, and to this day, I will never understand why so many people are concerned with what loving couples do behind their own closed doors. As long as it’s consensual, what business is it of mine? I’ll tell you…it’s not.

Aunt Terry’s girlfriends were always included in family gatherings at grammy’s house, too, and I remember my grammy always having great relationships with each of them. After Sims and before TerryTerry, there was another girlfriend whose brother was a professional baseball player. She was only around for about a year or two, but we did get some great seats to a bunch of games. My family was always big on baseball, so it was really cool to get to meet him and some of the other players! I still have a signed ball somewhere. Looking back, I realize just how progressive my grammy really was because she never had an unkind word or negative thing to say. The only thing she liked to judge was my makeup (remember, she didn’t want me looking like a floosy!) As an ex-nun and devout Catholic, she never once displayed (nor felt) any homophobia and instead, actively embraced Terry’s ladies, as well as every other member of the family who was gay. I love that about my grammy.

I’m an ardent advocate and supporter of the LGBTQIA+ community and always have been. I will never try to speak for them on the constant fight they face, but I will always support them in any and every single way I’m able. That includes the way I vote, the events I show up to, and the vocal stop I will put to any hate speech said to or about any member of the community. I mean c’mon, how is so much willful ignorance still a thing in 2026? Ridiculous.

What I do know, is my Aunt Terry was superb. So was Sims. So was TerryTerry (we called her that because they shared the same name). Sadly, I didn’t get to know Susie well, whom she married in the early 90s and spent the rest of her life with. I mentioned Aunt J before, and she had all the hands in my mother cutting ties with Aunt Terry, though I still don’t understand why (well…that’s not entirely true, but is a story for another time). Which guts me, because I would have loved just one more magnificent day with her before she passed. I miss her all the time, but take comfort in knowing she and Mokie are being just as IMPATNT and hilarious in the afterlife as they were in this one. Brilliant. No notes.  

Happy, HAPPY Pride, y’all.