“You know how to whistle, don’t you Steve? You just put your lips together and blow.” Ahh…the iconic Lauren Bacall, who perfectly uttered this line to Humphrey Bogart in the classic film, To Have and Have Not.
Every year at my elementary school, they held a contest called ‘Celebrity Day’ where you could dress up as any famous person you wanted to win a sad, quite greasy, probably refurbished, bronzed trophy. You’d stand on the stage as the crowd in the audience judged you via whistles or boos, while anxiously awaiting to hear the ‘applause meter’ results the principal was somehow able to decipher.
Man, everything was okay in the 80s.
I always did (and unapologetically still do) give off major theater kid energy. I will never be above breaking out into song if I hear a certain word, phrase, or melody. To me, it is divine to perform a soliloquy when washing the dinner dishes about the trials and tribulations of having chosen to remove the dishwasher due to its poor performance. I will tap dance on cue, despite no director following me around to shout, “ACTION!”
This is all to say, I can be a bit dramatic.
Any time my husband stares out the window surveying his pride, I ask what he’s looking for. He always answers, “theater kids.” And I always respond, “see any?’ And then he points to me.
It makes me laugh every. single. time.
I’d love to say my best friend at the time was the same, but she was much more refined and reserved. She had an elegance about her that couldn’t be defined. She was just…unbothered by *gestures wildly* it all. Or at least it seemed so. (It didn’t hurt that she looked so much like Alyssa Milano, who I may or not have named my daughter after, at the height of her Who’s The Boss fame. She never knew this, but boy was I jealous!) I wanted to be as cool as her, but I just couldn’t tamp my nervous energy enough. I was loud, mouthy, and desperate for attention. Still, we balanced each other well.
Melissa had THEE greatest grandma ever. Grandma Pauline (who gave me permission to call her that) was the sweetest, funniest, and kindest woman I’ve ever known. She would take us to Thrifty’s after school and let us get a triple scoop. She had a motorhome parked outside her house that she let us pretend was ours. She had a monumental Barbie collection that she gave us free reign to play with. She took us to Disneyland and never complained about the lines, the heat, or the silly fights Melissa and I would get into. She was, simply, the best.
She was also the fiercest. I remember, in third grade, a boy tripped Melissa on purpose in the concrete hallway of our elementary school and, as a result, she developed a giant goose egg on her forehead. Well, Ms. Pauline was not.having.it. She showed up to school, found the boy who did it, and gave him the biggest what-for, I doubt he’s ever recovered. She didn’t mess around when it came to her grandkids, yet still had an amazing grace about her that put anyone in her presence at ease.
She introduced us to classic cinema, fed us onions like they were apples, bought us our first BFF necklaces, and let me call her grandma on ‘Grandparent’s Day’ at school, because my only living grandparent (my Grammy) lived too far away, was too old, and couldn’t randomly travel all the way to Long Beach from Los Angeles.
She also had an amazing chest of dress up clothes that Melissa and I took every advantage of. Furs? Check. Pearls? Check. High heels and fabulous gowns? Check and CHECK!
I remember creating characters based on the clothes, and having the grandest time. We had such fun, and would flesh out our people so we could really get to know each one. Any time we wanted to talk about them, Grandma Pauline would fix us some SPAM on toast and call it a day (which we would then consume as if we were 17th Century royalty at the fanciest of tables. I’m not gonna lie. Her table was pretty, pretty fancy).
*I don’t know if Melissa will ever forgive me for currently living so close, and often visiting, the place where ‘Somewhere in Time’ was filmed. I’ve even stayed in the hotel! *
She and I knew ‘Celebrity Day’ was coming up, but we were still stumped on who to go as. We were thinking Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy. Velma and Daphne. Sean and Mackenzie, even. But Grandma Pauline had a different idea.
Bogie and Bacall.
WHO?
She proceeded to show us a compilation of the two (which, at the time, meant a lot of VHS tapes), and we were hooked. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall were so gorgeous as a couple and we were up to the task! We went straight to the trunk. Melissa was tiny (as was Bogie), and I was more robust (I’ll never forgive the fact she could eat so much fast food, and never gain a pound, whereas I was rarely allowed such food, but could simply look at a burger and gain ten!)
She found one of her grandpa’s suits, a white belt, and a fantastic (and true to form) hat, as well as a Grandma Pauline-special, powdered-sugar ‘cigar.’
*Just as an FYI: Grandpa Lee defined cool. Quiet, reserved, but you just knew he had seen it all (and then some). I overlooked the fact that he spent his entire working career at USC, because, though my dad attended USC, we were a Bruins family through and through. My mom went to UCLA and the Bruins vibe was more our scene. *
I found a wig, a black dress, and a fabulous mink to hang on my shoulders. (Apologies to the afterschool photo we took where my real hair was hanging out. I’ve made it clear I have a lot of very thick hair. Keeping it pinned up in a wig for a full 8 hours was tough!) We looked great. And yet, not ONE PERSON (in our grade or otherwise) knew who we were.
Except….
Our principal. He was so delighted. Yes, we lost to some sixth graders dressed as ‘Prince and Appolonia,’ (which I believe to have been a seniority issue. Don’t get me wrong. Their costumes were DOPE! But they were also a year older, and about to move on up to junior high. We still had a whole other year to win first place, so they knew we could take the L, then show up in sixth grade with something banger), but he was so happy to see us dressed as his stars of yesteryear. He ended up giving us a special award, because he knew exactly who we were, and was enchanted by us having spent the time to enjoy the stars we chose to embody. I remember being consumed by Bacall’s autobiography, and Melissa could do the best Bogey impression (with the lateral S and everything). He asked us questions about them, and the look of shock on his face when we knew the answers to them was priceless.
We sauntered back to class, a win in our hand, where we were welcomed with…nothing. No one cared, and were probably just relieved we had been away from class for a bit or two. Not really, but they certainly weren’t as impressed as our principal.
To this day, I will eat an onion like an apple, delight when I find a pint of Thrifty’s Double Chocolate Malted Crunch at Rite-Aid, and see a BFF necklace, either on someone’s neck, or just at the store. Grandma Pauline was the absolute best, and I’m so grateful she, and Melissa, welcomed me into her world.
And seriously…Prince and Appolina may have won, but Melissa and me? We looked FIRE.
A Day Leighton, A Dollar Short 